Wasted water can add up to suicide and murder. Watch this video for a solution
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Stop Smoking and Die?
It is amazing, humans have survived for millions of years, locked in smoke filled rooms, breathing smoke from fires and smoking cigarettes and or pipes and avoiding radon areas. These people lived long and healthy lives.
‘Modern’ people smoke cigarettes laced with lighter fluid, smoke cigarettes with filters layered with chemicals, smoke cigarettes where the tobacco was raised on land fertilized with nuke waste, fertilized at the government’s orders.
And modern people live in sealed homes, sealed homes that are sealed from fresh air and healthy draft air exchange but not sealed from the floor, from the radon and other natural radioactive gases.
The majority of people who get lung cancer and cancers of all kinds are NOT smokers. Most people who get cancers of all kinds are ‘educated’ government workers. You can verify this yourself, by researching the statistics.
This propaganda has come about because a smoker is self-medicating, parasite controls, mood leveling etc.
Few smokers patronize doctors; therefore, the AMA sees a loss of huge incomes. There are many prescriptions, tests and doctor visits not being used by smokers.
The top 19 killers in America is Modern Medicine and the treatments related.
Nicotine is also a heart simulate, many people who quit smoking die within the year or completely lose their health.
The choice is doctors or self medicate.
I smoke. My cigarettes have saved many lives. Instead of reaching out and tearing the throat out of a person who is not qualified for breeding their foolishness into future generations and improving the gene pool, I reach for a cigarette.
24 Hours To Forget Your EX
Those painful memories can destroy your future relationships, your life and the effect of break up or divorce causes more damage inside your body than you think.
Click Here!
‘Modern’ people smoke cigarettes laced with lighter fluid, smoke cigarettes with filters layered with chemicals, smoke cigarettes where the tobacco was raised on land fertilized with nuke waste, fertilized at the government’s orders.
And modern people live in sealed homes, sealed homes that are sealed from fresh air and healthy draft air exchange but not sealed from the floor, from the radon and other natural radioactive gases.
The majority of people who get lung cancer and cancers of all kinds are NOT smokers. Most people who get cancers of all kinds are ‘educated’ government workers. You can verify this yourself, by researching the statistics.
This propaganda has come about because a smoker is self-medicating, parasite controls, mood leveling etc.
Few smokers patronize doctors; therefore, the AMA sees a loss of huge incomes. There are many prescriptions, tests and doctor visits not being used by smokers.
The top 19 killers in America is Modern Medicine and the treatments related.
Nicotine is also a heart simulate, many people who quit smoking die within the year or completely lose their health.
The choice is doctors or self medicate.
I smoke. My cigarettes have saved many lives. Instead of reaching out and tearing the throat out of a person who is not qualified for breeding their foolishness into future generations and improving the gene pool, I reach for a cigarette.
24 Hours To Forget Your EX
Those painful memories can destroy your future relationships, your life and the effect of break up or divorce causes more damage inside your body than you think.
Click Here!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Threat of False Charges
Using the threat of charging child molestation, rape, and/or domestic violence as tools for blackmail is becoming more and more common.
A man and his wife were arguing about money. They had been arguing about money since their youngest child was born, 9 years before.
The man remembered his wife as being frugal, for the first 10 years of their marriage. He told me sometimes she had been more than frugal but her habits enabled them to keep all of the bills paid, to have a big savings account and an almost paid for large home.
But when the youngest child was born she changed.
"Like day to night." He told me. "I hired a live-in housekeeper and babysitter. It's not like I thought she would hurt the kids. She just got so cold. To me and to the kids." He sighed and shuffled his feet. "And she started to spend money. Not for us, the family, but for herself."
A new car every two years was the big item. Beauty shops, clothes and things like turning the temperature on the hot water heaters up to the highest settings.
"It cost money to run the water heaters that high and with the little kids it was just too hot."
"I came home after working 13 hours, I am a driver. A relative was visiting us for the week. There were people running all over the house. Two of the little boys, 2 and 4 years old, were in my shower. I had to go to the bathroom. I went, as I stood up I automatically flushed the toilet."
"The boys screamed. I ripped down the shower curtain and snatched them out of the shower."
"They were screaming with pain and shock. The three of us were red and blisters were already forming on our body’s… My wife slammed open the door. She looked around, looked at my pants and under shorts around my ankles and grinned."
"She took the children to the kitchen and their parents. I dried off and changed clothes. My skin hurt, but the boys had been in the water longer than I. I was really worried about them."
"My wife walked into the bedroom. She threw a jar of salve at me, closed the door and leaned against it. She was gloating. She said 'the children were screaming. I ran into the bathroom and my husband was standing there, with his pants and under shorts down around his ankles, holding the boys by their arms. He left bruises on them.' and then she laughed."
"Move your things into the spare bedroom…when they leave. You will pay for… And she listed everything and then she told me…'if you complain even once…' and then she walked out."
I was scared. I went to the kitchen to check on the boys. My relative assured me they would be okay. He looked at me and said. 'You had better get some salve on those blisters.'"
"We walked outside. I told my relative what had happened, all of it."
"As long as you pay for everything she will not call the cops but you can not stay here."
"That night my wife went shopping and I moved out of the house. I moved onto the back porch of an elderly relative. For 9 years I worked every day, 12 to 16 hours a day. I paid every bill. I did not tell her when I paid off the house. That gave me money to eat off of and money to repay my relative, because he had been feeding me."
"I did not go near a child, not even my own. For nine years I lived in terror. I could not win."
A few months ago she served me with divorce papers. She was to get everything and $1,500 a month spousal support. That was only a third of what I had been paying and sick as it may sound I was grateful."
"I am only 49 years old and I knew I could never have a real life and a relationship again. Two weeks ago a policeman informed me she had died in a car accident."
"What could I have done different? Maybe if I had called the cops at that minute, the burns on the three of us… The setting on the hot water tank… Nine years and three months of my life gone. I do not even know my kids. I have lived in a prison of terror. I am afraid of being around children, afraid of people. And yet I am lonely. Tell me how to trust again."
Blackmail is ugly.
This man came from a culture where it was his duty to work and the children to stay with their mother.
If he had called the police at that moment, what would have happened?
They would have believed him, but then what? What charges could he have brought against her?
She was obviously unstable, maybe just hormonal, would she have gotten medical help?
Seriously, if he had called the police he could have gotten a field incident report and charged her with careless and negligent child endangerment. He had turned down the water heaters again that morning before he had left for work. He would at least have gotten things on record and filed for divorce and gotten sole custody of the children.
At least he would not have faced the 9 years of terror that he did live. But she probably would have found another way of making him pay.
Is there a way out?
Are you being blackmailed?
Document it. Write down everything you remember. The first threats, the time of day, any thing and every thing you can remember. As soon as possible have your writings notarized. Talk to some one. Talk to a policeman, tell them 'this is a hypothetical question,' tell them your story and ask them what they would do, if this happened to them.
Do not be surprised to find out they are being blackmailed also.
The Personal Power Course
A man and his wife were arguing about money. They had been arguing about money since their youngest child was born, 9 years before.
The man remembered his wife as being frugal, for the first 10 years of their marriage. He told me sometimes she had been more than frugal but her habits enabled them to keep all of the bills paid, to have a big savings account and an almost paid for large home.
But when the youngest child was born she changed.
"Like day to night." He told me. "I hired a live-in housekeeper and babysitter. It's not like I thought she would hurt the kids. She just got so cold. To me and to the kids." He sighed and shuffled his feet. "And she started to spend money. Not for us, the family, but for herself."
A new car every two years was the big item. Beauty shops, clothes and things like turning the temperature on the hot water heaters up to the highest settings.
"It cost money to run the water heaters that high and with the little kids it was just too hot."
"I came home after working 13 hours, I am a driver. A relative was visiting us for the week. There were people running all over the house. Two of the little boys, 2 and 4 years old, were in my shower. I had to go to the bathroom. I went, as I stood up I automatically flushed the toilet."
"The boys screamed. I ripped down the shower curtain and snatched them out of the shower."
"They were screaming with pain and shock. The three of us were red and blisters were already forming on our body’s… My wife slammed open the door. She looked around, looked at my pants and under shorts around my ankles and grinned."
"She took the children to the kitchen and their parents. I dried off and changed clothes. My skin hurt, but the boys had been in the water longer than I. I was really worried about them."
"My wife walked into the bedroom. She threw a jar of salve at me, closed the door and leaned against it. She was gloating. She said 'the children were screaming. I ran into the bathroom and my husband was standing there, with his pants and under shorts down around his ankles, holding the boys by their arms. He left bruises on them.' and then she laughed."
"Move your things into the spare bedroom…when they leave. You will pay for… And she listed everything and then she told me…'if you complain even once…' and then she walked out."
I was scared. I went to the kitchen to check on the boys. My relative assured me they would be okay. He looked at me and said. 'You had better get some salve on those blisters.'"
"We walked outside. I told my relative what had happened, all of it."
"As long as you pay for everything she will not call the cops but you can not stay here."
"That night my wife went shopping and I moved out of the house. I moved onto the back porch of an elderly relative. For 9 years I worked every day, 12 to 16 hours a day. I paid every bill. I did not tell her when I paid off the house. That gave me money to eat off of and money to repay my relative, because he had been feeding me."
"I did not go near a child, not even my own. For nine years I lived in terror. I could not win."
A few months ago she served me with divorce papers. She was to get everything and $1,500 a month spousal support. That was only a third of what I had been paying and sick as it may sound I was grateful."
"I am only 49 years old and I knew I could never have a real life and a relationship again. Two weeks ago a policeman informed me she had died in a car accident."
"What could I have done different? Maybe if I had called the cops at that minute, the burns on the three of us… The setting on the hot water tank… Nine years and three months of my life gone. I do not even know my kids. I have lived in a prison of terror. I am afraid of being around children, afraid of people. And yet I am lonely. Tell me how to trust again."
Blackmail is ugly.
This man came from a culture where it was his duty to work and the children to stay with their mother.
If he had called the police at that moment, what would have happened?
They would have believed him, but then what? What charges could he have brought against her?
She was obviously unstable, maybe just hormonal, would she have gotten medical help?
Seriously, if he had called the police he could have gotten a field incident report and charged her with careless and negligent child endangerment. He had turned down the water heaters again that morning before he had left for work. He would at least have gotten things on record and filed for divorce and gotten sole custody of the children.
At least he would not have faced the 9 years of terror that he did live. But she probably would have found another way of making him pay.
Is there a way out?
Are you being blackmailed?
Document it. Write down everything you remember. The first threats, the time of day, any thing and every thing you can remember. As soon as possible have your writings notarized. Talk to some one. Talk to a policeman, tell them 'this is a hypothetical question,' tell them your story and ask them what they would do, if this happened to them.
Do not be surprised to find out they are being blackmailed also.
The Personal Power Course
A Hug Saved My Life
I have been around people who did not touch or hug and yet they cared and loved deeply. I have been around people who hugged, kissed and professed their love to everyone and everything. They were shallow and did not care for longer than an hour.
Three years ago I was in the second year of an agonizing time of my life. My husband of almost twenty years had been badly injured and brain damaged. He was safe at home with me. His smiles, giggles and hugs kept me going day after day. My normal reclusive nature became extremely reclusive. Except for the telephone we seldom had any contact with people.
My husband became frustrated, his miraculous improvements had stopped. He got mad and stopped smiling, stopped communicating and stopped hugging me.
One day we had a blizzard and a new business acquaintance drove up through the blinding snow. I had never met him before, but my family had known him for over 30 years.
We quickly conducted our business and as I turned back to the house he reached over and hugged me. Just a hug, but a few people can really hug.
It startled me but instantly I felt warm and alive.
In a few days my husband regained his normal optimism and life dramatically improved. I saw the man 3 or 4 times that year, I always got a hug. The next year I saw him 5 times, the hugs were a little longer and I got a quick kiss on my forehead or cheek.
Each time he arrived I was at a bad point and his hugs and then little kisses instantly warmed me and made me feel alive.
The last time that year I saw him it occurred to me to think of him as man, not just a business acquaintance, friend and family friend.
I was horrified, suddenly his innocent hugs and little kisses, that meant life to me, seemed wrong. I felt like I was having an affair or cheating or some thing terrible. It took me a few hours to calm down. I realized I needed his contact and that I was using him, taking the warmth and life he was giving me.
This was not a matter of right or wrong, this was a matter of survival.
The next few months my husband made excellent progress. He was happy and full of mischief. And then one night as I helped him to bed he sighed and touched my cheek.
“No more. Soon I will move on.”
He looked so tired. The next morning he asked for the wheelchair. As I watched him sleeping I finally accepted that he was dying.
I knew I had to make some decisions about the direction of my life after his death. I had broken us financially, to pay off the medical bills, almost three years before. I was able to keep my husband fed and warm and our bills paid with his income and mine but with his death I would be left with only a few hundred dollars a month income.
I slipped out of the house, ran a ¼ of a mile and collapsed into hysterical sobs and screams. I knew it was dangerous to leave him alone but my collapse would have frightened him.
In over two years I had not cried or called out my frustration and anger. Everything came out at once. My dogs crowded against me, whining and shivering. They were terrified. Their eyes were rolling and little Cameron kept puddling. Their fear brought me to my senses. My strong brave dogs were reduced to cowering lumps of idiocy by my screams and crying.
I forced everything down inside of me and watched my dogs calm down.
I slipped back into the house and removed my jacket in the kitchen. I took time to warm up, I did not want the coolness of my clothes to wake my husband when I checked on him.
He began to sleep a lot and had to begin to use diapers again but he did not seem to notice. Weight seemed to melt off of him.
I made lists of everything I had done, could do and what I had wanted to do with my life. What I had wanted to do, as an adult when I was a child, I had done. Strangely what I had wanted to do I still wanted to do.
Those last two weeks while my husband slept I made and discarded plans for my future. Finally my first plan was the only one that would make me happy. It would be tight and a long haul. This time I would not go into a familiar business.
It would take a normal person 10 years or more to learn and do this. I gave myself 5 years on the outside of time, and 6 months to make my first significant breakthrough.
That last week it was as though my husband himself was gone. His body still breathed but he was unresponsive, until the day before he died. He woke up and hugged me. He was smiling, giggling and kept chirping the name of our youngest son. An hour later our son drove up to the house.
My husband did not speak while our son was here. He patted him, smiled at him and kept pulling our sons' wedding ring off and throwing it. My husband never liked that wife of our son. For a whole hour they were together and then my husband slipped into a deep sleep. The next day his body went into the death rattles and then quit, but I think my husband left when he said goodbye to our son.
While his body was transported away I threw myself into my studies and my work. Using the Internet I enrolled in classes, took courses and learned. I arraigned 4 work desks and geared my whole life to learning and my work. I worked until I dropped, woke up and began again.
About a month after my husbands' passing I took some time to review my progress and my options. I wrote options on pieces of paper and spread them around. For some reason I had written suicide on one piece of paper. I studied each option carefully making lists and reviewing them.
I picked up the piece of paper with suicide written on it. ‘That is silly I have too much to do!’ I wadded it up and threw it away. To think of and consider suicide can be healthy, it should scare you silly but all I felt was impatience.
I picked up the piece of paper and smoothed it. I made lists and seriously contemplated suicide and the ramifications of the act. I began to put my affairs in order. ‘A person needs to do this every once in a while’, I told myself. In a few hours I was done with the paperwork.
I do not know when I decided to walk out into the desert and shoot myself. It made perfect sense not to kill myself on or near my property. It would mean bad memories for our children.
I was going to die, going home, reorganize and start over again. I called a neighbor and asked him to check on my animals. It could be awhile before my body was found. I was calm, warm inside and my skin was kind of numb and yet tingling.
The man drove up. It had been almost 6 months since I had last seen him.
‘Perfect, one last hug.’ I thought.
I got my hug and a little kiss. We conducted our business. He asked me how my husband was doing. When I told him my husband had died April 17th, he froze and looked at me.
Suddenly he hugged me again. I heard ‘you are alive’ I do not know if he said it or I thought it. He held me for a minute or two and then left.
That night as I lay down I realized I was not going to kill myself. I had too much to live for. Once the foundations of my Empire were laid I would find my perfect mate. A new prerequisite would be life-giving hugs. I was giggling as I covered up. Imagining arms wrapped around me, a warm belly next to my back and hugs anytime I needed or just wanted one. I wondered what would happen if I hugged the man back.
For the first time in almost 4 years I slept safe and warm. For a while I would go to bed every night to sleep like a regular person. Sometimes I would feel arms around me, hugging me, I slept great on those nights.
A few weeks later my first love called me. For almost ten years we had gotten together for a few hours or so here and there, in between husbands, wives and significant others. It had been twenty-five years since I had seen him. He had never wanted me permanently but he was in trouble and needed me.
1. No matter what he was my first love.
2. He was my friend and a family friend.
3. He needed my style of help on a lot of things.
4. I had been sleeping alone for four years, and given my God given appetites, that is not healthy.
For a year I spent every other week with him and then every other week on my work and studies. Stop and Start. You know how frustrating stopping and starting projects are? Try it for a whole year!
And something was missing, I was not satisfied and he resented my studies and work.
One day at home as I was hurrying to catch up on my projects the man drove up. I got my hug and little kiss and I hugged him back and got a real kiss! Wow, Yikes, that was cheating!
Suddenly I knew what was missing, first class hugs and great kisses. I realized that my first love hugged and kissed every one but me. He did not respect my time with him and would often delay our projects to solve his problems and out and out waste my time.
And he was getting more and more jealous of my work and studies, demanding more of my time when I was not with him in 3 and 4-hour phone calls. I had to find a way out. He was beginning to withhold sex, using sex to bribe me.
I would miss the sex. That was great but then if a woman complains about lousy sex from her man after the 10th or so time they have been together she has no one to blame but herself. After the 10th or 11th nights together she should have him properly trained.
I worked harder, taking 10 or 11 days for my work and then giving him only 4 or 5 days of my time. I would not answer the phone unless I was ready to take a break. Finally he threw a fit. Because he knew my appetites, he decided that I must have been sleeping around on him. Hanging up the phone that last time was a relief. Sure I got physically lonesome, but I just used that energy to do more work.
My production soared. I was figuring things out and becoming confident about my plans. But there was a wall solidifying around me. I knew I was cutting off a physical human contact. I was not giving serious consideration to the relationship offers I was receiving. I was nice and said ‘Thank you but no’ to every offer.
Once I decided to deliberately break down that wall, I dressed and went to town. No. I could not even force myself to even consider the offers. I was slightly surprised by the huge numbers of offers I received. Wow, there are a lot of single men here. I decided I needed more time alone and I went back to my work.
In a year and a half from the passing of my husband the foundations of my Empire were laid and I began to focus on streamlining and on increasing my income.
It would have been great to have someone special, with an interest in my work to talk to, to discus various options, avenues and to be with.
On my first truly major success, with every thing beginning to fall into place the man drove up. It had been almost a year since I had seen him. I was ecstatic. A hug and a kiss! This would be the first time I had earned them! He was here for my happiest day in four and a half years!
I ran outside laughing and talking a mile a minute. I got my hug and kiss. We finished our business with me jabbering and him laughing, I reached for him. I wanted just one more hug and one more kiss before he left.
Yikes! O to mach 10 in 4 minutes! Every thing but the final act, I mean every thing!
Suddenly we did not know what to do! We had no time!
I am convinced ‘blue balls’ hurt a woman far more than they hurt men. I was seized by an instant tummy ache. You cannot wind up a woman like that and then stop.
He had the strangest expression on his face shock, pain and maybe confusion. Yes, a man can be raped and maybe that is what almost happened. That wall I thought was 10-foot thick solid granite was only a single layer of dust.
Will I see him again? Of course business is business. It may be a little awkward but we will work through it and back off to being friends.
I have a sneaky suspicion he is married. Relax, women I do not want your husbands. But if your man is on the road you need to give him some extra attention.
This man is not an experienced tomcat, at least in my opinion. At a certain point he did not know what to do anymore than I did. An experienced tomcat would have figured out all of the options long before that day.
On top of my other prerequisites is:
1. Life giving hugs.
2. Perfect all over kissing.
3. Well-trained hands.
And a whole lot more time, at least 4 or 5 hours, 2 or 3 times a week.
In a couple of months I will sit down and give serious concentrated consideration to this relationship thing.
I can remember, think about and love my late husband again. Perhaps I was in a state of shock and hurt from his injuries and then the disappointment of the reunion with my first love.
Thank you for being there in the bad times. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for freeing me from a bad relationship. Thank you for being with me on my first truly happy day in four and a half years. Thank you for knocking down that wall and thank you for making that day so memorable.
(I just used that energy for more work.)
(Damn, that hurt for days.)
(You know this working all of the time without special pleasures is for the birds.)
Thank You.
Jesus: The Man And His Work
Three years ago I was in the second year of an agonizing time of my life. My husband of almost twenty years had been badly injured and brain damaged. He was safe at home with me. His smiles, giggles and hugs kept me going day after day. My normal reclusive nature became extremely reclusive. Except for the telephone we seldom had any contact with people.
My husband became frustrated, his miraculous improvements had stopped. He got mad and stopped smiling, stopped communicating and stopped hugging me.
One day we had a blizzard and a new business acquaintance drove up through the blinding snow. I had never met him before, but my family had known him for over 30 years.
We quickly conducted our business and as I turned back to the house he reached over and hugged me. Just a hug, but a few people can really hug.
It startled me but instantly I felt warm and alive.
In a few days my husband regained his normal optimism and life dramatically improved. I saw the man 3 or 4 times that year, I always got a hug. The next year I saw him 5 times, the hugs were a little longer and I got a quick kiss on my forehead or cheek.
Each time he arrived I was at a bad point and his hugs and then little kisses instantly warmed me and made me feel alive.
The last time that year I saw him it occurred to me to think of him as man, not just a business acquaintance, friend and family friend.
I was horrified, suddenly his innocent hugs and little kisses, that meant life to me, seemed wrong. I felt like I was having an affair or cheating or some thing terrible. It took me a few hours to calm down. I realized I needed his contact and that I was using him, taking the warmth and life he was giving me.
This was not a matter of right or wrong, this was a matter of survival.
The next few months my husband made excellent progress. He was happy and full of mischief. And then one night as I helped him to bed he sighed and touched my cheek.
“No more. Soon I will move on.”
He looked so tired. The next morning he asked for the wheelchair. As I watched him sleeping I finally accepted that he was dying.
I knew I had to make some decisions about the direction of my life after his death. I had broken us financially, to pay off the medical bills, almost three years before. I was able to keep my husband fed and warm and our bills paid with his income and mine but with his death I would be left with only a few hundred dollars a month income.
I slipped out of the house, ran a ¼ of a mile and collapsed into hysterical sobs and screams. I knew it was dangerous to leave him alone but my collapse would have frightened him.
In over two years I had not cried or called out my frustration and anger. Everything came out at once. My dogs crowded against me, whining and shivering. They were terrified. Their eyes were rolling and little Cameron kept puddling. Their fear brought me to my senses. My strong brave dogs were reduced to cowering lumps of idiocy by my screams and crying.
I forced everything down inside of me and watched my dogs calm down.
I slipped back into the house and removed my jacket in the kitchen. I took time to warm up, I did not want the coolness of my clothes to wake my husband when I checked on him.
He began to sleep a lot and had to begin to use diapers again but he did not seem to notice. Weight seemed to melt off of him.
I made lists of everything I had done, could do and what I had wanted to do with my life. What I had wanted to do, as an adult when I was a child, I had done. Strangely what I had wanted to do I still wanted to do.
Those last two weeks while my husband slept I made and discarded plans for my future. Finally my first plan was the only one that would make me happy. It would be tight and a long haul. This time I would not go into a familiar business.
It would take a normal person 10 years or more to learn and do this. I gave myself 5 years on the outside of time, and 6 months to make my first significant breakthrough.
That last week it was as though my husband himself was gone. His body still breathed but he was unresponsive, until the day before he died. He woke up and hugged me. He was smiling, giggling and kept chirping the name of our youngest son. An hour later our son drove up to the house.
My husband did not speak while our son was here. He patted him, smiled at him and kept pulling our sons' wedding ring off and throwing it. My husband never liked that wife of our son. For a whole hour they were together and then my husband slipped into a deep sleep. The next day his body went into the death rattles and then quit, but I think my husband left when he said goodbye to our son.
While his body was transported away I threw myself into my studies and my work. Using the Internet I enrolled in classes, took courses and learned. I arraigned 4 work desks and geared my whole life to learning and my work. I worked until I dropped, woke up and began again.
About a month after my husbands' passing I took some time to review my progress and my options. I wrote options on pieces of paper and spread them around. For some reason I had written suicide on one piece of paper. I studied each option carefully making lists and reviewing them.
I picked up the piece of paper with suicide written on it. ‘That is silly I have too much to do!’ I wadded it up and threw it away. To think of and consider suicide can be healthy, it should scare you silly but all I felt was impatience.
I picked up the piece of paper and smoothed it. I made lists and seriously contemplated suicide and the ramifications of the act. I began to put my affairs in order. ‘A person needs to do this every once in a while’, I told myself. In a few hours I was done with the paperwork.
I do not know when I decided to walk out into the desert and shoot myself. It made perfect sense not to kill myself on or near my property. It would mean bad memories for our children.
I was going to die, going home, reorganize and start over again. I called a neighbor and asked him to check on my animals. It could be awhile before my body was found. I was calm, warm inside and my skin was kind of numb and yet tingling.
The man drove up. It had been almost 6 months since I had last seen him.
‘Perfect, one last hug.’ I thought.
I got my hug and a little kiss. We conducted our business. He asked me how my husband was doing. When I told him my husband had died April 17th, he froze and looked at me.
Suddenly he hugged me again. I heard ‘you are alive’ I do not know if he said it or I thought it. He held me for a minute or two and then left.
That night as I lay down I realized I was not going to kill myself. I had too much to live for. Once the foundations of my Empire were laid I would find my perfect mate. A new prerequisite would be life-giving hugs. I was giggling as I covered up. Imagining arms wrapped around me, a warm belly next to my back and hugs anytime I needed or just wanted one. I wondered what would happen if I hugged the man back.
For the first time in almost 4 years I slept safe and warm. For a while I would go to bed every night to sleep like a regular person. Sometimes I would feel arms around me, hugging me, I slept great on those nights.
A few weeks later my first love called me. For almost ten years we had gotten together for a few hours or so here and there, in between husbands, wives and significant others. It had been twenty-five years since I had seen him. He had never wanted me permanently but he was in trouble and needed me.
1. No matter what he was my first love.
2. He was my friend and a family friend.
3. He needed my style of help on a lot of things.
4. I had been sleeping alone for four years, and given my God given appetites, that is not healthy.
For a year I spent every other week with him and then every other week on my work and studies. Stop and Start. You know how frustrating stopping and starting projects are? Try it for a whole year!
And something was missing, I was not satisfied and he resented my studies and work.
One day at home as I was hurrying to catch up on my projects the man drove up. I got my hug and little kiss and I hugged him back and got a real kiss! Wow, Yikes, that was cheating!
Suddenly I knew what was missing, first class hugs and great kisses. I realized that my first love hugged and kissed every one but me. He did not respect my time with him and would often delay our projects to solve his problems and out and out waste my time.
And he was getting more and more jealous of my work and studies, demanding more of my time when I was not with him in 3 and 4-hour phone calls. I had to find a way out. He was beginning to withhold sex, using sex to bribe me.
I would miss the sex. That was great but then if a woman complains about lousy sex from her man after the 10th or so time they have been together she has no one to blame but herself. After the 10th or 11th nights together she should have him properly trained.
I worked harder, taking 10 or 11 days for my work and then giving him only 4 or 5 days of my time. I would not answer the phone unless I was ready to take a break. Finally he threw a fit. Because he knew my appetites, he decided that I must have been sleeping around on him. Hanging up the phone that last time was a relief. Sure I got physically lonesome, but I just used that energy to do more work.
My production soared. I was figuring things out and becoming confident about my plans. But there was a wall solidifying around me. I knew I was cutting off a physical human contact. I was not giving serious consideration to the relationship offers I was receiving. I was nice and said ‘Thank you but no’ to every offer.
Once I decided to deliberately break down that wall, I dressed and went to town. No. I could not even force myself to even consider the offers. I was slightly surprised by the huge numbers of offers I received. Wow, there are a lot of single men here. I decided I needed more time alone and I went back to my work.
In a year and a half from the passing of my husband the foundations of my Empire were laid and I began to focus on streamlining and on increasing my income.
It would have been great to have someone special, with an interest in my work to talk to, to discus various options, avenues and to be with.
On my first truly major success, with every thing beginning to fall into place the man drove up. It had been almost a year since I had seen him. I was ecstatic. A hug and a kiss! This would be the first time I had earned them! He was here for my happiest day in four and a half years!
I ran outside laughing and talking a mile a minute. I got my hug and kiss. We finished our business with me jabbering and him laughing, I reached for him. I wanted just one more hug and one more kiss before he left.
Yikes! O to mach 10 in 4 minutes! Every thing but the final act, I mean every thing!
Suddenly we did not know what to do! We had no time!
I am convinced ‘blue balls’ hurt a woman far more than they hurt men. I was seized by an instant tummy ache. You cannot wind up a woman like that and then stop.
He had the strangest expression on his face shock, pain and maybe confusion. Yes, a man can be raped and maybe that is what almost happened. That wall I thought was 10-foot thick solid granite was only a single layer of dust.
Will I see him again? Of course business is business. It may be a little awkward but we will work through it and back off to being friends.
I have a sneaky suspicion he is married. Relax, women I do not want your husbands. But if your man is on the road you need to give him some extra attention.
This man is not an experienced tomcat, at least in my opinion. At a certain point he did not know what to do anymore than I did. An experienced tomcat would have figured out all of the options long before that day.
On top of my other prerequisites is:
1. Life giving hugs.
2. Perfect all over kissing.
3. Well-trained hands.
And a whole lot more time, at least 4 or 5 hours, 2 or 3 times a week.
In a couple of months I will sit down and give serious concentrated consideration to this relationship thing.
I can remember, think about and love my late husband again. Perhaps I was in a state of shock and hurt from his injuries and then the disappointment of the reunion with my first love.
Thank you for being there in the bad times. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for freeing me from a bad relationship. Thank you for being with me on my first truly happy day in four and a half years. Thank you for knocking down that wall and thank you for making that day so memorable.
(I just used that energy for more work.)
(Damn, that hurt for days.)
(You know this working all of the time without special pleasures is for the birds.)
Thank You.
Jesus: The Man And His Work
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